Apologies for my recent actual absence from these virtual pages. The more numeric among you may have assumed that celebrations to mark my first 1,111 day in China (as of March 10) account for the general state of How-Do bandinagenesslessness.
However, as these festivities seem to have largely taken place in the Manchester area (with a guest list consisting almost exclusively of former employers, ex-girlfriends and their husbands) then that is clearly not the case.
 The People love Tony
Far from Deep Purple
Let me first ask regular and irregular readers alike – for we are nothing if not non-bowel discriminatory in this column - a question. To keep it simple – and thus allow outdoor salespeople, media studies graduates and anyone employed in the Preston area to play along – let’s make it multiple choice.
What did Beijing do when it won the 2008 Olympics and wanted to occasion a seismic shift in the world’s view of the fastest-expanding economy on the planet? Did it:
a) Have a quick whip-round, collect ₤3.40 and commission a catchy slogan along the lines of “The New Beijing - A City That’s Really Peking!!”
b) Invite key members of a design company to spend half-an-hour in the city asking the populace to “state the bleedin’ obvious” and then present their perfectly-bound findings as searing insights and the basis for a hearts and minds campaign
c) Invest billions of Yuan in re-inventing the public transport infrastructure and city skyline, launch a massive internal education campaign and build the world’s biggest fuck-off building in the form of a new two mile long international air terminal designed by former Manc lad, Sir Normo Foster.
If your answer is either (a) or (b) then you are either a 21st century Joey Deacon of the first water or an employee of Purple Circle/Hemisphere. Or, most likely, both.
“The first place to improve any city is in its perception” John Lyle, head of Purple Circle’s London operation told How-Do-ers to a thankfully sceptical reception at the end of last month.
That Mr Lyle should have the bravado to present this self-serving bollockry as even mildly plausible is to be applauded – even if just for the small window it opens on the thinking of these location branding organizations.
Perception, it seems, is all – with reality coming a poor second.
Brands have long engaged in smoke and mirrors to add value and gull a few extra bob out of consumers seeking the assurance of sporting products pre-approved by their peers and betters. That is quite different from the endless grind of living in a “branded” area that continually rubs your every sensory orifice in the disparity between your daily experience and the promise of series finely-kerned banners dotted around the lower-rent outdoor sites.
Purple Circle themselves have been heavily involved in “improving” its home city of Nottingham for half a decade or so through its work for “Experience Nottinghamshire” despite this the city still has the highest urban crime rate in the UK, according to the independent watchdog, Reform. This suggests that perhaps the best way to “Experience Nottinghamshire” is to mug yourself at gun point.
Introducing the Experience Nottinghamshire website, chief executive Professor John Heeley states: “Our vision is that by 2010 you'll open a Sunday supplement and see Nottinghamshire featured alongside the likes of Barcelona, Dublin, Frankfurt, Lyon and Glasgow.” Well Prof, on the present showing, a light blue “N”, even one at a jaunty angle, is not gonna get you there. Why not get a bit more realistic and aim for billing alongside Gaza, Harare, Chad and the Helmand Province?
Long ago, when interviewing David Lake, then head of Countrywide Porter Novelli, we got onto to the subject of perception problems. Shell, then a Countrywide client, was getting a sound thrashing for spillage from one of its plants polluting a nearby waterway and wanted help in rebuilding community relations. Countrywide advised them to stop polluting the lake. Apocryphal-ish or not, you get the point.
So Mr Lyle. Changing the reality is “the first place to improve any city” (although, if you’re Beijing, not mentioning human rights violations or Tibet may also, admittedly, help).
A Brief Pitch Bitch
Sticking with apocryphal tales, I wish maybe more agencies in the North West had the bottle demonstrated by eighties ad agency Allen Brady and Marsh. Their legendary 1981 British Rail pitch saw them keep a delegation of top BR marketing bods waiting in a dingy crap-strewn office, being served tepid tea by a disinterested receptionist. As the executives prepared to collectively huff out, up ta-dahed agency head, Peter Marsh, and gleefully informed them: “This is how the public sees BR. Now let's see what we can do to put it right!”
I would love to believe that Beattie Media adopted the same approach when pitching to handle the plumber training courses of the Building Trade Skills Centre. But somehow I know I’m mistaken. I am sure that they didn’t promise to pitch on a given date, but couldn’t specify morning or afternoon and then, when everyone’s back was turned, stuck a card through the door saying “Called to pitch but you were out”. Nor did they come back the next day only to announce that they had left part of the PowerPoint presentation back at the office. Sigh, if only.
Nor, I suspect, did Brazen’s pitch document for its newly-won Cirque Surreal account consist of a 154 page neatly bound document consisting only of the words “a cloppety horse” ten thousand times over in various shades of turquoise…
A bright shiny sixpence from Mr Jaspan’s huge stack of cash then to any N/W marketing communications companies that can demonstrate that innovative pitchery is not the sole domain of Southern Jessies from the Eighties (what a great name for agency that would be!)
A slightly disturbing trend has emerged on How-Do in recent weeks with a number of companies being reduced to issuing press releases announcing that they have been retained by existing clients – yes Truth and EMS I’m thinking of you here. In truth these announcements can only amount to one of two things:
a) You really haven’t won anything new at all for ages
b) You’re genuinely shocked that the clients in question haven’t sacked you yet and you’re sat around your offices punching the air with sheer unalloyed joy bellowing “Woo hoo, suckers! You still haven’t rumbled us!” and you wish to share your surprise and happiness at this unlikely outcome with a wider audience.
Still at least the clients in question – Versus Cancer and Diabetes UK – don’t seem to have troubled other agencies with pitching before retaining the incumbent. Unlike, say, the Isle of Man Tourist Board which saw three other agencies undertake costly and, no do doubt, free idea chockerful pitches, before sending demure “No, I think we’re all right at the moment” notices to the three aspirants. Rumours have been denied that the winning campaign features the tagline “You may find it hard to get away” and a picture of Andy Kershaw.
Larry Who?
On the innovation front, I was most impressed by the benevolence of the Northern regional press – Liverpool Echo, Sheffield Star et al - in carrying free copies of the Big Issue in the North to mark its 15th birthday. However I think such generosity should be reciprocated – so Big Issue how about, next week, you carry copies of the MEN so that readers can get used to paying for it again? Exchange is no robbery.
Tragic news this week that Quay St is going to lose not one but two of its broadcasting icons, managing director Sue Woodward and Granada Studios - undoubtedly a product of the sixties, in need of some renovation work maybe and facing an uncertain future. No word about the building though (ah you saw that one coming, admit it!).
 Lord leg-end Neild
"My name is Tony Murray. I had an accident, and I woke up in GMT +8. Am I mad, in a coma, or ahead in time? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home." If you know the reason you can email him on tonymurray37@hotmail.com .
Alternatively, why not email the lovely Nina Wheeler, head of Brazen? Nina is confined to home with only her firstborn and a broken leg for company – you can contact her on nina@brazenpr.com . You cheer her up now you hear.
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