This week I’ve been mainly wondering just who Lime supremo, Phil Redmond, actually reminds me of…? He first crossed our screens at the end of the 70’s with his oft-controversial kiddie soap opera, Grange Hill, famous for kids just not saying “no” and consequently developing bad skin and falling off roofs.

He also gave the world the term “nut job”, a term of abuse that never really caught on but kept his pre-watershed pre-pubescents out of trouble with Mrs Whitehouse and her then pervasively poisonous National Voyeurs and Losers Association.

Murders, rapes, bombs and incest

Ben Elton?

All in all, Brookside Close, with its range of murders, rapes, bombs, incest, trade union angst and fiddled leccy probably did more to damage the image of Merseyside than even the Liverpool Culture Company, although it still has time to close the gap.

Nowadays, however, all of that seems long ago – Mr. Redmond’s radical 80’s persona has given way to Hollyoaks (This week: “But later Louise reveals that Niall is their new Elisa stylist!”), documentaries about the difficulties of teenagers living in Alderfly Edge and making do with barely a grand a month allowance off their skinflint folks and, now, a new sanitized and dumbed-down Grange Hill. No wonder my putative script (tentatively entitled “Grubber Stebson” has risen from the grave!”) only merited a firm “no”  from the production company and a free postcard showing Cathy Hargreaves’ troublesome training bra from series three.

So who is this one time anti-Thatch fire-brand and bastion of all things leftness most redolent of in his far more commercially enlightened 21st century incarnation? Why, step forward one-time spangly-suited scourge of the Tory party, Ben Elton, and now penner of dodgy linking bits that serve to string together Queen’s Greatest Hit into a tale of such outstanding bollockry that only Americans can bear to watch it all the way through.

Why not go all the way, Phil? How about the next series of the “Hill” being a loosely linked narrative allowing the cast to re-visit the best of Hall and Oates: “Look out son of Tucker, she’s a Man-eater!” (cue annoying seventies bass-line and cries of “I can’t go for that!” from surprisingly satirical and pop-trivia fluent schoolies across the UK.)

His name’s Phil Redmond, good night. Well, hopefully.

Craining for attention

"Have you been good this year?"

CMB’s arrival has sent the incumbent business media into a frenzy of activity – the MEN has increased its order of pink wood-pulp by a whole one page worth a day, Insider’s Michael Taylor seems hell-bent on entering every awards event he is eligible for (“..and the winner of second best beret worn by a business journalist resident in the SK6 postal coded area is Michael Taylor…”) and even the Liverpool Daily Post has got in on the act with next March’s launch of the 20’000 circulation LDP Business.

Glesson

Cripes Bill, I hope you sued the buggers who told you five years ago when you launched Liverpool Vision: “What the market wants is a pile of advertorially-compromised toss with all the editorial integrity of Sainsbury’s magazine and lots of pictures from the Liverpool Chamber of Commerce XXVIIth Annual Whist Drive.”

AV it ladies!

Next time Bill, do yourself a favour – call the head of A/V at Salford University and ask him to recommend the research company he prefers. After all Salford Uni’s breathtakingly accurate survey: “Women in Audio-Visual Engineering” stunned a waiting world this week by revealing that women aren’t really inclined to work in a badly-paid environment with anti-social hours and colleagues that act and dress like gone-to-seed extras from seventies German porn. Shocking that, but an excellent follow-up to the same research company’s seminal study: “Women more likely to have tits and less likely to have beards (except in Benchill where it is customary to have both).”

The choice of an upper-middle class seventies record-sleeve designer as the prime candidate to signal the regeneration of one of Manchester’s poorest areas, may, at first glance strike you as an odd one… Good. Traditionally, there’s a “but” after sentences, like that, but, frankly I’m stumped to think of one. Any suggestions as to “Why Peter Saville is the Perfect Choice to Save Wythenshawe and Not an Obvious Waste of An Admittedly Small ₤30,000 Stack of Cash That Could Be Better Used Elsewhere In The Area” to the usual email address please.

A time for old friends

And finally, back to our old friends at BDH TBWA Manchester. Many years ago, there was a truism freely bandied by even the humblest agency owner that ran along the lines of “’Appen we’re not really an Otley agency, we’re a London agency, that just ‘appens to be based in Otley…”

Few agencies have ever taken this maxim as much to heart as Robert Matthews-Taylor now-even-more-Southern-than-ever-TBWA-Manchester (my how those last few syllables must rankle!).

And what is the latest testament to RMT’s obvious policy of ensuring that, this Christmas, Northern-born staff get to spend more time with their family? A whole lot more, in fact?

Worrall

I hope that, somewhere in Soho, there is a family-owned Northern-rooted agency keen to restore the balance. “’Appen,” their mono-surnamed, flat-voweled principal would tell the trade press, “we’re not really a London agency, we’re a Bredbury agency that just ‘appens to be based in Soho. More dripping anyone?” If only…

Tony Murray is currently under house arrest in Beijing after a bizarre misunderstanding involving his class of Chinese six year olds and their democratic choice to name the school mascot: “Chairmanmao’sabastard”. To call for his immediate release or long overdue flogging, please email: tonymurray37@hotmail.com

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