The last time I won anything was the Junior 1 Obstacle Race at St Hugh of Lincoln RC Primary School in Timperley during the summer of 1972. And that was only because Stephen Barlow was ill.
The bitterness and resentment that has consequently gripped me in later life at having peaked so early probably explains my antipathy towards anyone else winning anything ever (in general) and award schemes (in particular). Or maybe it doesn’t.
Maybe it’s not the memory of securing a 25p book token a quarter of a century ago that irks me so. Maybe it’s more to do with my over-familiarity with the breath-taking fraud that characterizes the majority of design, advertising, media and PR awards.
15 incidences of vomiting and five fights
This fraud permeates many of these schemes – whether it’s the excessive margins, the deceitful shortlists, the abandon with which organizers conceal final results from even the scheme’s own judges (allowing them to re-arrange them into a commercially more palatable form) or the bizarre co-incidences that sees the biggest year-round-advertisers being by far and away the most be-gonged with a breathtaking contempt for the transparency of such behaviour.
But it wasn’t always that way. I have great fondness for memories of many awards events. I remember the Bacchanalian excesses of triumphant senior Communique staff (at the 1993 IPR NW awards) having grapes peeled for them by junior account execs, obviously appointed as much for their nubility as their blondeness.
Similarly, I remember the record set at the 1998 Bristol Cream Awards when, according to the security team at the Marriott, we had a majestic 15 incidences of vomiting, five fights, the police called twice and one hapless awards goer being taken away in an ambulance. There were only 180 people there.
TVs on lamposts anyone?
I could tell you other stories about awards events and maybe one day I will. But, until then those secrets (such as just which female awards organizer spent the night with the whole of an event’s boyband, which senior (and I mean senior!) IPA figure nearly copped it when a certain sales girl of my then acquaintance answered the phone to his missus in his Glasgow hotel room at 6.30 in the morning or which politician turned pundit ensured that a comely receptionist couldn’t sit down for a week after a night in his company) will be between me and the skywriter I am currently negotiating with to fly over How-Do’s own inaugural awards event next April.
As if you’d need anything else to lure you there.
To mark the first proper awards to be created and administered from the North West in nearly 20 years, I am going to devote this weeks hard-hitting gaze into the navel of doom that is the region’s marketing and media community to handing out a few awards of my own…
First off all, my inaugural Triumph of Hope over Experience Award goes to Trinity Mirror in Liverpool for its latest altruistic joint venture in bolting TVs with “outstanding video quality” to lamp-posts in the city centre. Obviously no flaws whatsoever in this plan. Next week it’s National Leave Your Laptop in the Park Week – only in the Post and Echo.
Sticking with North West media, our next award goes for Services to the Sex Trafficing Industry. Just which North West-based newspaper do you think was singled out as a visual representation of publications likely to be in breach of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 by a lead article in last week’s Press Gazette? David Sullivan’s born again Sunday Spurt or the holier than thou Scott Trust’s Manchester Evening News? Step forth the saintly Guardian Media Group and its page of semi-display ads offering a range of “Babes”. “Stunnas” and…eh… “discreet entrances”.
“Bona fides checks can be made to ascertain the legitimacy of such services,” counsels the Newspaper Society. Ah well that should reduce queues in the MEN canteen come lunchtime.
Cheeriness and Inanity to go...
Next up my award for Spreading Cheeriness and Inanity in the Face of Untoward Unpleasantness goes to the whole of the commercial radio sector for its innovative use of amusing nick names. Somehow Dave “Ditchy” Ditchfield quitting Key 103 for a new job at Real Radio in Yorkshire doesn’t seem as bad as Mr David Ditchfield tendering his resignation.
You can imagine Ditchy and Key 103 programme director, Gary “Franken” Stein, having a few jars off the old “Falling down water” as they merrily quip and jape about his forthcoming decampment. (Memo to GMG’s Mark Dodson : encourage staff to henceforth refer to you as “Doddo” or “the Dodster” to ameliorate any forthcoming desk-clearing unpleasantness).
The next category, ladies and gentlemen is Best Missed Opportunity by a Headline Writer on a North West-based Media and Marketing Website Beginning with “H” and ending with “O”. There was really only one contender here and it goes to How-Do and the news that MCFC has tied up a sponsorship deal with a leading Thai beer manufacturer. Come on Nick and Alan – where was “You’re only winning when you're Singha-ing” when you needed it?
This evening’s hotly contended Now Come on, Be Honest Award goes jointly to the PR agency MC2 and the Manchester Confidential Website. Great news for Manchester Confidential that Krispy Kreme donuts chose to promote a product giveaway on its site as part of their NW launch strategy. But, MC2, how many local radio stations turned you down first? Now come on, be honest….
And now for tonight’s top gong the Chairman’s Award for Sheer Bloody Mindedness in Being Determined to Make a Complete Cock of Things. Predictably, we’re heading back to Liverpool again and the news that the Liverpool Culture Company can’t find any suppliers willing to help out with its All-Starr event to mark the launch of the city’s stint as European Capital of Culture 2008.
Get real boys, no Merseysiders want to pitch in and do the lighting for this event – they’ll all be staying at home and watching Panorama on HDTV sets provided courtesy of Trinity North West…
Tony Murray would like to apologize for the lateness of this column. This is because it was sent to Mr Jaspan via a junior or very senior member of staff by any one of three possible different courier firms or maybe just left lying around his premises by mistake where it will probably turn up. Or not. If you are worried that the missing column contains confidential information about you or your organization please email the information, no matter how embarrassing, to tonymurray37@hotmail.com. He promises not to print it next week either. Probably.
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