A strange journey inspired by the news this week that the Paranormal Channel is to launch from a Manchester base - at long last a channel that will explore the supernatural, extra-terrestrial and unexplained phenomena (such as the strange feeling of déjà vu you get when you tune in and Arthur C Clarke is once again telling you about the mysterious world in his Bermuda shorts.)

Sadly I think it’s an idea whose time has gone. You can imagine the pitch to media buyers – with Mr and Mrs Fielding dressed in white sheets bwah-hah-hahing around a cobwebbed candle-lit pumpkin.

Dead and buried?

Bwah-hah-hahs and fiendish cackles all round.

Still its not for me to gainsay matters mysterious and paranormalesque, why only last week a story on How-Do – about the launch, by Caroline Aherne’s brother, of the MillieONAIR audio production house - transported me back nearly eight years and reminded me of a tale I shall call – the Client Who Had Poo Where His Brains Should Have Been…

Way back in 2001, having been unceremoniously let go by Glasgow’s equivalent of the Adams family, I attempted, somewhat half-heartedly admittedly to re-invent myself as a public relations pundit. I was working for a company you’ve never heard of and never will, so I won’t bother naming them, but, suffice to say, they were based in Beeston.

Somehow they been called on by a Hull-based boiler manufacturer to pitch for the trade launch of their new range of boilers (apparently they offered a revolution in flue dimensions or some such). There was a trade launch event and a PR component to the brief so I was duly rolled out.

The client was keen to have some form of roadshow touring its key sales areas with some big prize going to one lucky plumbers merchant. At the time, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was at the peak of its popularity, topping the TV charts and releasing its board game spin-off.

'Hmmm, good idea Tony'

It was all going well. The venues were booked. The ads were running in the trade press. Chris Tarrant’s body double was practicising being winsome. Then the client rang: “Yeah, yeah, we still love the idea. Who wants to be in a Mill in Eire, love it, still want to go with it – except we want to do it with go-karts…?” That was when we knew he was the Client Who Had Poo Where His Brains Should Have Been….

As a creepy coda to this chilling tale…some weeks later, immediately prior to going live with the new Who Wants to Be In a Mill in Eire complete with go-karts, I came across a website that allowed you to send emails that looked like they came from any address you chose...

Naturally, I sent the account director an email from the boiler client’s address saying something along the lines of “Actually we’ve changed our minds again. As the boilers are being sourced from Germany, we’d like to go with the idea of it representing a new “German invasion”. Could you accordingly give as a quote for securing an appropriate amount of Nazi memorabilia – swastikas, jack boots and pink triangles...”

As we were dealing with the Client Who Had Poo Where His Brains Should Have Been, said account director was just about to dial for a quote from the local branch of “Reich U Like” (you’re never far from one in Beeston) when I had to intervene and confess my irresponsible japery.

Spookily, dear reader, I left their employ soon after.

Unsolved Mystery of the Week

Thinking outside the box

Far be it for me to offer advice to a lady presenter whose posterior once occupied a coach previously warmed by the downy bum cheeks of Lesley Judd, but I hope that Paranormal TV finds time in its skeletal schedules to do a programme about patron saints.

It’s always been a mystery to me as to how these get allocated. Did Saint Gertrude of Nivelles just turn up late for the meeting and all that was left was “mice (protection against)”? Or did St Drogo opt to champion the mutes knowing he was unlikely to be called on all that often? (Incidentally the patron saint of advertising and PR is Bernadine of Sienna, who seems to have got the role largely on the back of being a “gobby shite”.)

I would particularly like the Fieldings to focus their ectoplasmic sensitivities towards the fate of Saint Ann Greavsie, the patron saint of North West based independent production houses. It was the dire demise of Saint Ann that has left a long and lingering blight on the industry (she is rumoured to have cursed the sector in perpetuity after being run-over by a three-legged horse charioteer with a skin complaint and lactose intolerance during an 11th Century Reality Balladeering Competition on the grounds of what is now Dukes 92).

Fielding: clearly impressed by Murray

Can any one imagine anything worse than watching the 54-year-old un-funnyman making rueful reminiscences about dying on stage at the Kingsman in Aigburth in the summer of 1974? Well perhaps only Title Role’s other offering “Consumer Police” – your chance to go undercover with the trading standard officers of Tameside and Halton Borough Council. Christ, no wonder the pubs are full at 8 on a Wednesday.

And there’s no sign of St Ann’s wrath abating. Surely only divine malfeasance could explain how BBC Three’s Commissioning Editor, Maxine Wilson, could have come to Manchester and told a gathering of independent producers that the channel wanted more programmes like “Dog Borstal”. Damn you, Saint Ann, have you no pity?

Little Known Factoid of The Week: Before settling for Les Dennis’ Liverpool, Title Role had wanted to make Michael Barymore’s Staines but were stopped by the fear of legal action from the estate of Stuart Lubbock.

Spooky Spectre-ulation

Unlucky for some

Could it be true that as well as the forthcoming homesmine.co.uk and carsmine.co.uk sites, MEN media has also registered the Gazza musical tribute site thefongonthetyneismineallminemine.co.uk?

Who exactly are the Friends of Liverpool Airport (FOLA)? Why do they feel compelled to confess their amity for its Runcorn-based runway? Do they have rucks with the Friends of Manchester Airport? Is there a society called the Arch-enemies of Liverpool Airport whose evil machinations FOLA plan to thwart at their monthly meetings? Perhaps Yvette can drive her Mystery Machine over there and ask these eminently pertinent questions.

Calling Medium Independents…

Sad news this week that two of advertising’s finest have “passed over” to the other side and will henceforth only be contactable via those with the gift. Perhaps Yvette could do us a favour and try and establish a link.

Sadly departed

“Can you tell us oh spirit of Poulter’s past? Where did all the clients go? What happened to Bradford and Bingley? William Hill? McCains? Redrow? Fox’s Biscuits? Yorkshire Water? Yorkshire Water? Morrison’s? Are they hidden under a loose floorboard in the room with the PMT machine in?”

Answer there will come none. The demise of Poulter – although on the wrong side of the Pennines for most How-Do stories – will no doubt have been the subject of much boardroom debate in the region. It is no so long ago that Poulter was in the very top rank of regional agencies and, at one time, producing seemingly more TV commercials than any agency outside of London.

Poulters always had a repution as innovatory, particularly in it Graham Poulter-owned days of little more than 10 years ago. Poulter (the man) was pushing advertising on supermarket trollies way back in the 60’s and promoting his ultimately doomed On Demand Information system (a sort of personal Internet that wasn’t compatible with anything) well before most of us had an email address.

Let’s hope its move into what-was-that-agency-called-you-know-the-one-that-wasn’t-BRAHM territory isn’t its latest pioneering move on behalf of the regional agency community.

In truth Poulter has probably now long enjoyed a reputation, forged in its hey-day, that well-outstripped the reality of its long decline. Conversely, this week’s other casualty, Connectpoint, probably never truly enjoyed the reputation it deserved. True Connectpoint has not gone to the wall, it is merely being re-branded under the name of fellow Hasgrove company, Amaze.

Unlike the final decade of the Poulter story – a decade characterized by rancour and senior management purges – the end of the Connectpoint story sees founder Steve Rogers heading into the sunset in his Porsche with his leggy blonde media sales partner and a huge stack of cash on the back seat…

We pretty much started with Caroline Aherne, so it is spookily appropriate to end with a suitably amended quote from her waspish alter-ego, Mrs Merton: “Tell me Rachel, what first attracted you to multi-millionaire Steve Rogers?”

Tony Murray is lost in time and lost in space. And meaning. He can be contacted by whistling three times on a badger’s entrails during an MPA lunch or by email on tonymurray37@hotmail.com. You can also contact him on the new How-Do Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=21247553083)

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