“Liverpool I left you, but I never let you down” Ringo Starr warbled lugubriously from the roof of St George’s Hall as Liverpool began its tenure as the European Capital of culture.
Not a sentiment, I suspect, that many of those who have had to sit through the ex-Beatles 1981 magnum ‘opeless, Caveman, would necessarily endorse.
I wonder how many of the 20,000 strong crowd listening to the septuagenarian sixties skinsman milking his far from scintillating back catalogue speculated idly as to whether the world of ‘08 would indeed be a slightly better place if Mark Chapman had had a thing about drummers way back in 1980…
Ringo was followed by local indie rock band, The Wombats, who debuted their ditty celebrating the attractions of “Moving to New York” – the irony of which was not lost on the many media commentators attending the event. Its rousing chorus perceptively announced: “Christmas came early” – approximately 349 days early in fact for both the Wombats and Ringo who both have cash-in singles released on Monday. All in all, a very Liverpool launch – the appearance of altruism, with a cynical self-serving personal pay off waiting in the wings.
Despite his seminal vocal innovations on the likes of Octopus’s Garden, Mr Starr’s lasting legacy to the world of rock and roll is the feeling of foreboding that has followed every four piece band since the Beatles as its members endlessly ponder which one of them is the “Ringo”, whilst desperately hoping that it’s not them.
Not so Starr-y
So let’s have a look at this week’s other offerings in How-Do land and see once again what separates the wheat from the chaff, the Ringos from the Lennons and the Liverpools from the cities that have had a moderately successful stint as the European City of Culture.
We’ll tactfully avoid giving Martin Chapman Fromm of Liverpool digital design agency Mondo our first Ringo of the week for his somewhat one-note Wrap which exclusively focuses on…eh…digital design agencies in Liverpool. (Bet it’s a laugh a minute in the Mondo Offices when he does new business calls: “Hello. This is Martin Fromm” “From where?” “Sorry?” Where are you calling, Fromm?” “I’m calling you!” etc)
Nor shall we give a un-prized Ringo award to the elusive Dr Michael Welsh, one time chief executive of Digital Industries North West as, according to the CV he supplied to the NWDA , he actually was a member of the Beatles and can be clearly heard playing the bongos on Eight Days a Week.
Spot the discrepancy
However there will be a special prize for any How-Do reader who can google a discrepancy on Welshie’s CV – a bright shiny shilling courtesy of How-Do proprietor Nick Jaspan and a full-time job vetting prospective employees for the NWDA prior to them being given huge chunks of tax payers’ cash. Now there’s innovation for you.
I fear the NWDA may also benefit from help in other departments – notably in the one that chose to try and boost tourism in Liverpool by spending £1.6m repainting its airport and fitting some new carpet tiles . I hate to be the one to point this out but surely anyone who encounters John Lennon Airport’s tourism-boosting floor fabrics will either have already flown in or be about to fly out? Still, NWDA, the thought was there (well sort of) and at least you get our inaugural Ringo Award, which is somewhat appropriate.
How could the NWDA top that you might ask? By winning the second Ringo Award of the week you might answer. And you’d be right.
Redesigning tenders
Back in 2007, the NWDA set about rebooting its design roster. The process involved interested agencies filling in an initial questionnaire, with the “fortunate” agencies chosen for the next stage given the opportunity to pitch ideas – for free of course – for two separate briefs. Agencies still keen on working with the body also had to complete a mammoth second questionnaire concerning “qualifying questions” on policies, procedures, expertise, capabilities etc.
The reward for any company keen enough (or short enough of proper paying clients) to go through the process was to go on to a roster of 5-6 agencies who then had the privilege of being able to competitively pitch for any NWDA brief over the next few years.
Naturally enough a number of the region’s finest design agencies threw their collective rattles out of their collective prams and declined to take any further part in the process – perhaps explaining why the NWDA inevitably ends up with the “B” team on its books.
At the time, one expert, who was consulted on the process described it as “a very shoddy procurement practice indeed”, whilst the view of at least one agency head in town was, less prosaically, that it was “absolutely shite”.
Now they are doing it all again in a similar jumping-through-fiery-hoops process - this time aimed at digital media agencies . I somehow get the impression that someone at the NWDA doesn’t have a lot keep them occupied and gets a kick out of watching agencies humiliate themselves on the vague promise of maybe being able to pitch for a forthcoming project should it ever materialize.
The level of spend on offer from the NWDA certainly doesn’t entitle it to behave in such a cavalier fashion towards organisations whose interests it is meant to be fostering. The arrogance of the body in the poor way it treats prospective business partners is also a little unsettling – organisations such as the NWDA should be paragons of best practice, not by-words for indulgence, incompetence and inappropriate pitch practice. Sort it out publicly-funded blokeys, why don’t you?
Mum's gone for a line
Enough of the Ringos, how about the bestowal of our first (and probably only) Lennon? And who better to receive it than Tom Reddy of the eponymous Tom Reddy Advertising? The agency has long eschewed publicity but has always made a good living servicing brands such as Vimto (pre-Cheetham Bell) and Iceland.
The relationship between Iceland and Tom Reddy reads like a Victorian morality tale with Reddy, the long suffering, tolerant husband of the piece, and Iceland, the painted hussy of the tale, frequently tempted to doll herself up and show a tempting portion of thigh to drooling London agencies, keen to help penetrate her target market.
How many times has a tearful Reddy waved this retailing Roxanne off on the southbound train? How many times has he been found patiently waiting with a blanket, a hot toddy and a cost-effective TV strategy when the jezebel has staggered back Mancwards, torn of tights and in a state of distinct dishabille?
Tom is one of the true heroes of the Manchester scene – experienced, stoic and competent. I bet he doesn’t pitch for NWDA business.
Slightly odd then that Iceland seems to be wary of keeping ex-Atomic Kitten, Kerry Katona as its spokeswoman – wayward, inconsistent, wont to go off partying in the big city and negligent of long-standing obligations and the kindness of old friends and family - she seems the perfect embodiment for Iceland’s marketing strategy.
Now, call me a cynical old fuck if you like (or join the queue so to do), but the story that the American Chemical Society made their way to Salford Quays to brief Gyro Manchester on a giant video ad for New York’s Times Square struck me as, well there’s no other way to say this, complete and utter bollocks – especially as Gyro also has an agency on New York’s Lexington Square.
So a big fat Ringo Award to Gyro for persisting in the long outdated “find and replace” practice of press release writing (Find “New York office of…” replace with “Manchester office of..”, Find “account director Hermann B Finkelstein III” replace with “account director Rebecca Feay”).
I dare say readers of “How-you-doin’-y’all.com”, the leading marketing portal for the Mid-Atlantic States, are even now reading, with a degree of incredulity: “Gyro New York has just completed work on a new flyer for the Fallowfied branch of HSS Tool Hire. The new flyer highlights the popularity of hiring a carpet cleaner (small) complete with upholstery attachment in the M14 post code area…”
Our final Ringo Award of the week goes, of course, to The Manchester Magazine. Surely out there in How-Do land there is a PR company with enough spare capacity to help the gorgeous, pouting Nicola Smith out of the hole she seems so intent on digging for herself and her peroxide crew?
Listen luv, you don’t have premises, an editor or a January issue – so maybe it’s time to tone down the belligerence and show a degree of humility. You’ll be surprised how forgiving and supportive the North West community can be – if you’re straight with them. Treat’em like idiots and it’ll be Strictly Come Dancing time on the grave of both your publication and your credibility.
"How-Do Honeys of 2007"
Still Ms. Smith can take some consolation from her late nomination as the last of the “How-Do Honeys of 2007”. Sadly there were no nominations for “How-Do Hunk of the Year” – except for one for Alan Johnstone which I’ve disallowed for reasons I’ve yet to decide upon. This leads me to conclude one of two things:
Either:
a) The women of the N/W marketing communications industry are too high-minded and busy to take part in such a frivolous poll
or
b) Only ugly blokes get their pix on How-Do (this is an obvious cue for Nick or Alan to now insert a pic of me which I hope they will manfully resist).
So here we go then, here are the nominations for the How-Do Honey of the Year 2007. Competition was fierce – with several votes having to be disallowed for simply saying: “Ian Tinker in a dress”.
The votes have been counted (not admittedly an onerous task in these inaugural awards) and a short-list of ten concluded.
The ten have been drawn from a range of disciplines within the NW, but they all have one thing in common – they’ve all fragrantly graced the pages of How-Do since its start-up last April.
So here they are in alphabetical order:
1) Natalie Bagnall- Vertigo (partner of Paul Carroll, now aka as “Mr Natalie Bagnall”). I first met Nat at an IAS seminar sometime in the last century when an uninvited bat somehow stole the proceedings (it’s a long story!). Natalie shared the “yummy mummy” vote with Nina Wheeler (see below). To vote for Natalie – email “Nat” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
2) Sumi Connock – BBC North West Crazy name, crazy girl – voted as “Crew of the month” (unless we somehow misheard) by Northwest Vision and Media. She’s BBC NW’s commissioning editor for Daytime and Early Peak and she’s also married to Alex Connock, chief executive of Ten Alps. He’s probably got a few bob, so don’t get your hopes up. To vote for Sumi – email “Sumi” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
3) Haley Corbett – Weber Shandwick Haley dressed up as Twiggy to mark the launch of Weber Shandwick Manchester’s fashion division. Sadly, despite the received email suggestions, Weber Shandwick seem unlikely to set up a specialist school clothing division or land the World of Leather account requiring Haley to return for an appropriately themed photo shoot, To vote for Haley – email “Haley” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
4) Katy Gough – Manchester Airport Katy joined the Airport in-house team last November and was an immediate “runway” success with one How-Do correspondent who reckoned she was “easily” the best looking girl on How-Do last year. Ah, it’s probably her ex or her new boss. To vote for Katy – email “Katy” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
5) Donna Howitt – Liverpool One Thirty-two-year-old Donna arrived as head of marketing for this major Liverpool shopping and leisure district at the end of last year. Much mirth was had by one correspondent after How-Do described her first priority as to “bed in” the centre’s four strong agency list. No, you can’t get on the roster you saddo! To vote for Donna– email “Donna” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
6) Caroline Lucas – GCAP GCAP’s new head of sponsorship (she was formerly with EMAP) struck a chord with two correspondents (all right, possibly one with two email addresses) who said her How-Do photograph really didn’t do her justice.
7) Nisha Pankhania – SKV A popular nominee following the news that this former BBC presenter had joined SKV last year. But, please guys, that “corporate affairs” jokes was so 1980s. To vote for Nisha– email “Nisha” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
8) Nicola Smith – The Manchester Magazine Sister of Mandy Smith, infamous onetime consort of onetime Rolling Stone Bill Wyman, Nicola was a last minute addition to the How-Do Honeys list following suggestions that her publication, The Manchester Magazine was facing some…eh…difficulties. So, Nicola don’t see January 2008 as the time that your publication and livelihood (allegedly) went to the wall – see it instead as the month when you merited an un-looked for, tongue in cheek compliment from some deeply sexist correspondents of a web-site that has been querying the long term viability of your publishing company. Can you do that for me luvvie? To vote for Nicola – email “Nicola” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
9) Charlotte Thompson – BJL Charlotte surely caused a change to the memoranda and articles of BJL when she joined as a director last year. Prior to her arrival it was obviously compulsory for BJL board members to have bald heads and moustache. Where will it all end? To vote for Charlotte – email “Charlotte” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
10) Nina Wheeler – Brazen The ever-lovely Nina Wheeler, MD of Brazen, once entertained me, James O’Donnell (then deputy editor of the Marketeer) and Martin Carr (now managing director of True North) with her views on what-boys-really-liked for about half an hour. I don’t think any of us spoke for the entire time. To vote for Nina – email “Nina” to tonymurray37@hotmail.com
So there you have it. Please vote for your “How-Do Honey” of choice and we’ll announce the winner soonish.
Ten ten till we do it again.
TM
Tony Murray will be 44 by the time you read this. Blimey. You can email him birthday commiserations on tonymurray37@hotmail.com
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