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Our immense thanks must go forwards and in great multitude to Thom Hetherington, the managing director of Manchester’s Moorfield Media, for bringing this established internet gem to our belated attention here at How-Do.
The ‘North and South’ page, part of the Myers Project, provides a fabulous insight into the workings of the average London-based journalist forced into the odious task of writing/broadcasting/commenting about the North. Hetherington in fact refers to it as a “work of genius.” With guidelines on how to refer to everything in a way that makes London appear to be the absolute, unchallenged centre of the universe, the sprawling North and South guide provides hours, even days, of work hindering entertainment. Highlights are too numerous, but we liked the advice on the terms…  Home sweet home
BACK-TO-BACK Imply that all northerners lived in these. You don't need to know exactly what they were i.e. two houses actually joined at the back to save space, the very words suggest confined squalor. As few of these remain, however, you should speak of ordinary terraces as being back-to-backs, despite their having gardens or back lanes. Call the latter 'odorous' SCOTLAND (specifically Scottish sport) Scottish sporting success becomes ‘British’, but failure can usually be ascribed to some purely Scottish fallibility. If Celtic wins the European Cup, it's: 'Top Trophy for Britain.' If all the teams are eliminated, however, it's: 'Bad Night for Scots'. Talented Scots signing for London clubs may be pressed for inclusion in the Scottish national team. No Scot who remains in his homeland should get any attention at all. Scots who perversely return to that homeland must be given the appropriate handle by your commentators: 'Ex-Watford star, Mo Johnston.' WE Always address your readers and listeners as if they live in the London area and share the seriousness with which you take London life. Your columnists should make much of phrases like: 'As we sway in the tube on the way to work...'; 'We shall all soon be bumper to bumper on the M 25...; 'as our streets will shortly be gridlocked with beggars...' After a rare trip to the North at election time, your man will say: 'There are more beautiful places in this island than we sometimes think.' WORLD-FAMOUS Everything in London is world-famous: orchestras, sporting venues, football-strips, restaurants and especially hospitals. They have this status because you keep repeating it. Keep repeating it. http://www.seaham.i12.com/myers/ns.html#top
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